Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Okay, so this all began a few days ago when I was feeling overwhelmed about everything that needed to be done in order to get the house ready to go on the market so that Perry and I can move back to the mountains, because that’s really what this is all about….moving back home right? (more on that later) So I decided to make a list of every room in the house and what needed to be done in that room and tackle it one at a time to make this process a little less daunting. The thinking being that the feeling of accomplishment that comes from getting just one room completely cleaned out, organized and ready to haul out would be inspiration to keep on going! I decided to start with the dining room, which also happens to be the “library” and “music room” and general gathering area. It’s a small house, what can I say. I am an avid lover of books and often imagine myself in the classic image of Gustov Dore’s “Don Quioxte in His Library”. So choosing to sort through my bookshelves to see what I didn’t need anymore felt a bit like choosing a family member to cast out on the street. Needless to say, I didn’t get very far but mainly because I came across a long forgotten book whose name intrigued me, and given my intention to let this move/transition be about following my heart, I randomly opened the book and began to read. The passage called “The Instinct of Truth” (see previous post) was the first thing my eyes fell on and once again I was reminded that there are no coincidences in life. That when our hearts are open and willing, we receive the information and guidance that we need. With that being said…here is what those words stirred up and inspired in me and for the 4th time, I will attempt to share them with you :-)
Visceral. I like that word. It's the kind of word you can taste, feel and smell. It's hard to think or even say the word without using your whole being...Visceral. I found myself describing "What's Going On" to a friend recently as Visceral Change. There's no other description for it really. If you'll forgive me getting so deep and serious about it...it feels as though my DNA is being re-written. And from what I can gather, I'm not the only one. It seems like we are all on the precipice of some great change, that we are being given the opportunity to re-invent ourselves, or better yet...to delve deep and find out what we're really made of and who we really are. I honestly think this is what the great change of 2012 is all about.
For as long as I can remember, I have found myself saying “I just want to go home", not really knowing where "home" is. I've discovered wonderful windows into home along the way. A phenomenal woman, Patricia Lynn Reilly and her poem "Home is Always Waiting" tells us that home is always just a conscious breath away. It is "this moment", it is the clearing in the forest of our busy lives, it is our woman-center, it is the place deep inside of us where we reclaim our voice, our truth. I've also been saying for years that the Blue Ridge mountains are home. They are. It's my soul-home. It's where my entire being can take a deep breath and know that I truly belong. Is it any wonder I can't stand to be away from them any longer? But I also know my history and tendency to flee when things get tough. You know…”When things get tough, the tough get going”? There was a period of my life where I didn’t live anywhere for more than 6 months at a time and now I’ve been here for 15 years. Yikes! This need to leave Wilmington though isn’t based on any sort of unhappiness or running away from anything. It's funny in fact, it really doesn’t make any sort of logical sense to move right now. The economy sucks, I have a job, people know me here and most days I can pay my bills. Life is good. And yet there is this tug at my heart that tells me it’s time to go home. I don’t need any other reason or excuse. Just “it’s time”. I recognize that the urge to “go home” is intimately linked to this waking up and transformation of myself as well as the physical need to be in the mountains. The two cannot happen independently of each other. It has to be a very conscious and organic process. I mean I try to live and make decisions in every other area of my life from those two tenants why not this too?
So as I choose not to settle for what is easier: staying in Wilmington where life is “safe”, and decide instead to let my heart “speak up” and find my voice, I am reminded of my cousin, Tucker, who always used to pick on me saying “Speak up Heather, Speak up”. Imagine this very tall, blonde Pennsylvanian speaking with the pleading, raspy tone of Guido and the hand gestures to match. I hear his voice in my head nearly every day and it has become my own personal joke. I've always had a quiet voice. I'm one of those "low talkers" and like my father, I usually don't say much unless I really have something to say. What I have come to realize is that my cousin wasn't just telling me to "pump up the volume" but encouraging me to find my voice and not be afraid to speak my truth. Like many, I tend to value the opinions of others more than I do my own. In fact, in pondering all this the other night, I came to an interesting realization: "I do not trust or value my own opinion because I feel like I need the approval of everyone else to live my life the way I have chosen."....how do you like that? A bit oxymoronish isn't it? And so I began to ask myself what I could do to change this belief and the only reasonable action I could come up with was to change my words. Words are incredibly powerful. Everything we say or write is an affirmation. So my new affirmation is: "I trust and deeply value my opinions and therefore I do not need anyone else's approval to confidently and joyfully live the life I have chosen." It sounds pretty simple really and after going back and reading this again, is one of those “well duh!” statements. So maybe starting this blog wasn’t such a bad idea after all. If nothing else it takes the “Mongol Horde” of voices out of my head and let’s me put them where I can see them and figure out who needs to stay and who needs to go. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that life isn’t an intricately woven web of an infinite number of interconnections. Nothing happens by chance and there are no coincidences. It is all part of the same perfect plan. Universe within and without.